Almost every man watches porn. But in recent years, the proportion of women in the porn audience has been growing. What does this shift mean? DW asked a sociologist and an evolutionary biologist. Women do not usually watch porn. Or do they? According to recent surveys by popular porn websites such as PornHub and xHamster, […]Women watch porn, too — but why?
What’s Wrong With Sex?
Is there anything wrong with two people coming together and just having sex — for fun — without first having an emotionally intimate relationship (assuming safe sex is practiced of course)?
I was raised to believe the answer to this is yes, that there is something wrong with it.
As a sophomore in high school, I had to write a school paper on why premarital sex was wrong. I did the assignment and regurgitated what I needed to get an A.
Privately I had doubts about what I was taught. And of course I went ahead and had premarital sex anyway, which turned out to be a lot of fun with no guilt or regret.
Looking back, I think I would have preferred to get an F on that assignment and had more fun instead. 🙂
Today I see absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for fun, as long as it’s done safely and consensually. I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed. I’ve never met a genuinely happy person that felt this way about sex. Perhaps if such people just got laid more often, they wouldn’t be so grumpy.
Prerequisites for Sex
What prerequisites do we actually need to engage in sex? A willing partner is really all that’s required. If you have a willing partner, you can have sex.
Serious rocket science here, eh?
Just to be clear, let’s assume your body and your partner’s body are physically capable of having sex as well.
All other rules, constraints, and requirements arise from social conditioning and are therefore unnecessary.
You don’t need to be married or in a committed relationship.
You don’t need to be dating.
You don’t need to be in love.
You don’t need an opposite-sex partner.
You don’t need to be exclusive with your partner.
Your partner doesn’t need to be exclusive with you.
You don’t need to be programmed in multiple techniques.
You don’t even need to have met the other person first.
All you need is consent.
Technically speaking, even your partner’s consent is a socially conditioned prerequisite, but I think it’s one we should maintain. The alternative is illegal, unethical, and hurtful. We can certainly enjoy sex without resorting to rape. Acting out your kinky fantasies, on the other hand, can still be completely consensual.
How many extra rules do you have in your head about what’s required for you to have sex above and beyond the most basic?
How are those rules working for you? Are you delighted with the results they’re producing?
Do your rules make it easy for you to enjoy the sexual experiences you desire? Or are they simply getting in the way and blocking you?
Do you realize that you have the freedom to choose the rules you want to keep as well as those you’d rather dump?
I’m not suggesting that you need to lower your standards to the absolute minimum. I’m simply suggesting that you take a good, conscious look at your current rules and requirements for having sex, and consider whether they’re helping you or hurting you.
Personally I have pretty high standards for when I will and won’t have sex. These standards, however, are ones I’ve chosen because I’m happy with them. I don’t maintain standards just because everyone else feels they’re proper and necessary.
ToLet go of unnecessary sex rules that don’t serve you. You decide what’s really important to you, and drop the rest.
I want to explore
My self imposed boundary
Fufil my fantasies
Over numerous eyes
Knowing I am being watched
Makes me receptive to the act
Put on revealing dress
And nothing underneath my mini skirt
To plant the desire
In the mind of strangers
Until I met a young man at the bar
Who seems willing to ride
Took bottles to summon courage
And deal with the awkwardness
I felt his hands on me
And his kiss on my neck
I fondled his shaft
And swallowed its contents
I could twist and turn
Over his strong hands that held me firm
I felt his sweat dripping down
Unsure whose name to moan
His experience intoxicated me
He satisfied my deepest longing
He left without words of love
No phone number , No email address
I feel used and dumped
I miss my husband
She did not dare to dance
Or jump the gutter
She did not jump the fence
She would not stand in front of a man
Nor widen her legs
She slowly passed out urine
For fear of tearing her hymen
She swear it was not her fault
Her hands shakes vigorously
Mumbling words beneath my understanding
She felt the bite of a mosquito
In between her pure legs
She has been disvirgined
She fears getting pregnant
Purity culture: any teaching that places the honour of a girl/woman on her vagina and reinforces the idea that premarital sex make women worthless.
Purity /noun/: the state or quality of being pure.
Pure /adjective/: clean and not containing any harmful substances; complete and total.
Purity culture is blaming Eve for giving the apple to Adam and enticing him to sin. Every Christian girl knows Eve is the architect of our misfortune. Every bad thing women experience today is a result of Eve’s sin. Purity culture is comparing girls who are sexually active to expired food products. Because you know, girls automatically become expired milk after they have sex.
It is placing the burden of the sexual urges of men on women. If a man lusts after you, then you probably looked or dressed a certain way to entice him. Purity culture is using “defile” to describe rape and saying Dinah was defiled, instead of saying Shechem raped her. Purity culture is telling girls that they are responsible for the sexual purity of men, because unlike men who are inherently sexual, we are just vessels who aren’t supposed to be sexual. Purity culture is telling girls that only “bad girls” enjoy sex.
Many churches practice and teach purity culture targeted mainly towards girls. Some go to the extreme, by holding daddy-daughter dances where girls pledge their virginity to their fathers, vowing to wait until they get married to have sex. Some wear rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, which they eventually take off and replace with wedding rings after they get married and have sex for the first time.
The culture that places women on a pedestal of innocence and purity enables the punishment of women that do not maintain this image. There are multiple way sin which purity culture and here are 5 important ones you should know.
Misplaced Sexual Responsibility
Purity culture has been branded as all of the ways women can stay protected and holy in today’s society. The truth of the matter lies in the fact that this only serves to subjugate women even more. By placing women on these pedestals, it places the onus on women to cover up and ensure that they are not temptations for men, forgetting that rapists are not dissuaded by the physical appearance. Purity culture is also set up in such a way that encourages women to avoid taking charge of their sex life. It paints women that deviate from this as whores who need to be shamed and punished, hence why when a women is raped and she is vocal about her sex life, it is brushed off because she asked for it by taking charge of her sex life. This is how purity culture normalizes and trivializes sexual assault .
It does not define Consent
Women who have been raised religiously have been taught in some way by socializing influences, that they do not exist for themselves. They are to keep themselves holy and covered up, and to wait patiently in their fathers’ houses until a man approaches said fathers for marriage. It is in all the biblical stories and anecdotes describing model women of faith and religious principles.
This is problematic because not only would the woman lack individuality, there are no boundaries of consent. There would be nothing that says that she can say no to her husband. In Nigeria currently the law does not recognize marital rape as rape. So even when it feels like rape, when she knows that it is rape, when there is physical evidence of rape, she says nothing because she has been conditioned to think that the man has only taken what was his in the first place.
Good girl/ Bad Girl Binary
Purity culture divides women into two groups ; the good girls and the bad girls and pray to God you don’t fall into the latter group. When a girl who is seen as a bad girl is abused sexually or physically, people see it as a punishment for her behaviour.
Guilt and shame are products of purity culture, when girls are taught that they become worthless after they have sex outside marriage they live with guilt and shame and it is even worse when they experience sexual violence because the victim automatically assumes it is just a punishment for the way she behaved or even dressed. What I don’t understand is how people expect women who finally have sex after they get married to just shake off this feeling of shame and guilt they’ve associated with sex because of what they were taught.
Nobody throws chastity balls for boys asking then to pledge their virginity to their mothers and the church, nobody makes women the gatekeepers of the sexuality of men so why then do people do it to girls? Double standard much?
Don’t get me wrong, abstinence is a good thing and it wonderful but not when it is forced on people. Instead of teaching and encouraging purity culture, instead of teaching girls to associate fear, shame and guilt with sex why not teach girls good and quality sex education. Teach them their body belongs to them alone and not to their fathers or the church. Talk to them about the clarity that comes with abstinence, tell them abstinence is a choice they can make without the pressure of the church. Teach them that they are not responsible for the sexual purity of men. Teach girls to love and embrace their bodies instead of seeing it as a weapon the devil uses to lure men to hell.
Slut shaming is the act of humiliating one for issues concerning ones sexuality. Women are mostly at the receiving end.One of the quickest way to hurt a girl is to tell her she is sexually loose. Many practices are considered inappropriate when done by a woman but accepted when committed by men.
Women are more likely to be punnished for putting on revealing clothes,purchasing birth control pills, expressing sex urge and prostitution. A study reveals that bye standers are less. Likely to come to the aid of a woman when she is dressed in revealing outfit. A woman who plays good and hides her sexual appetite is considered a potential awife.
Men are attracted by sight . A woman who reveals a lot gets the attention of guys who desire to have her and take her to bed. In the ancient times, women are seen as men possession. She is either owned by her parents when single or her husband when married. He tells her how to dress so that other guys would not invade her territory.Every guy protect his property from invaders.A sexually looses wife could get pregnant from another guy and bring the baby home to the man . He would not like to spend time, effort and resources raising another man child. Sexually reserved girls are valuable and sought after by suitors. A naive girl does not know any better. Any sex with his first partner would be satisfactory. Girls are attached to whoever disflowers her. A slut is assumed to have a wide farmland. It would be difficult for a guy with a narrow pencil to cultivate the land. Morever, a slut has numerous experience and could differentiate good from bad men in bed. A virgin may see a guy as a king but a slut knows he is just a learner. This account for the preference for virgin’s over sluts for men considering marriage.Fathers slut shame their daughter so top suitors can ask her hand in marriage. He hardly slut shame other ladies he is not related to. Men love slut as long as he is not related to her.He loves the short term sex they offer .
Women on the other hand understand that all social interaction is guided by the law of demand and supply. By applying the price elasticity of supply ,ladies unite to create an artificial scarcity of their punny while demand remain constant . This increases price (value). Ladies who dress totally covered and act prude make sex hard to come by . In return for sex, ladies demand commitment in form of marriage . Marriage serves as security for her during the times of pregnancy and child rearing. For this to work, ladies have to be in unity. They all have to play hard to get to increase their perceived value .When most ladies are sexually free, conservative women loose their power.
Whenever a lady likes a guy, she can only give green light. She will never tell him her feelings. This is because she does not want to loose her feminine power.She understand that the one less interested in a relationship controls it. She pretends she does not like sex so she maintains her power. Guys with high sex drive are easily manipulated by ladies.
For this reason, women slut shame each other more to act like a watch dog against themselves. They redicule their promiscuous peers to keep them in line. As communities fight wars, wives lost their husbands in battle . These widows would spend years without having sex . They can no longer hide their desire for it.They ended up as second wives or prostitute. Prostitution became necessary to cater for their sexual need and proceeds to take care of their children. These widow turned prostitutes offered services to single men who wanted experience but not ready for marriage. Women are loosing their power. They bash widows harder expelling the woman from all female gathering. In Rome,Women put on a special robe which sluts are prevented from wearing to mark a higher virtuous group from the lower promiscuous group. Young widows are patronised more than aged widows. They love the money they make and the freedom. They prefer not to get married again . Their daughter imitate them . Sluts are threat to marriage .
Slut shaming is a social construct. Feminist should stop blaming patriarchy for the act It is obvious that both gender are guilty for different reasons. We should look at the effect on the individual. A girl committed suicide for being called a slut. Her self-esteem was badly damaged. Women can begin by standing up to themselves when slut shamed.
Today is no bra day. A day set aside for women not to wear bra tobraise public awareness on breast cancer. Such practice is not common in this part of the continent. Anyone who steps out without bra today is accused of advertising her tit for guys to see . Guys who step out without singlet do not get similar treatment. Whoever made the rules did not ask girls how they feel watching guys chest and six packs.
Bra was invented in 1920. Until then , ladies never wore one. There is no medical advantage of wearing bra. When bra is worn too much, it has medical effect.Weirdly, it’s not wearing a bra that’s better for our boobs, at least according to some limited research. Women who stop wearing bras altogether are said to experience improved breast shape, better circulation, and less sagging, because their chest muscles have to actually work to keep those suckers afloat. That’s right:
Before 1920, braless women were not called slut then. It was common not to wear one. Today, we have forced bra into their accessories as a requirement. Who made it a rule? The women or the men ? Do we bother to ask them how they feel wearing one ? Are they comfortable wearing one all the time?
Many ladies complain that they detest wearing bra all the time but they still got to do it to reduce the animalistic tendency in men. In other words, they do not wear it to support her breast and lift then up or for beauty but to avoid getting sexually harrased by men . I feel ashamed hearing this. In ancient times, women walked around with exposed breast . Sexual harasmy was minimal then. Does civilisation come with increase in rape? Have we become so obsessed with sex that we cannot control our self? Do we cut down every flower we love? Must we own every thing we like? How do you feel hearing that ladies have to wear bra at home with her brothers for fear they will harras her sexually. where lies the trust?
Why are men so obsessed with boobs? Scientist has it that we desire what we lack. Men crave for boobs because men lack one. We do not crave for eyes or nose . We have them . Men are curious in nature. They want to know what is that that makes her chest bigger. As man desires to explore, women wear bra to cover them. Covering boobs with bra makes it impossible to be seen. This is like a resistance. Men love challenges. By covering then, men are challenged to see them the more. This makes men want to see them more. The act of covering bra creates more boobs desire in men. While sane men use subtle legal approaches to uncover them, others use force to see them. Wearing bra has created more problems than it solves. In ancient times when men and women walked around stack naked, the frequency of rape cases is less.
Melons are beauty to behold no doubt with the power of stoping conversation .Tit can prevent two angry men from fighting as they turn their head to its direction and forget what triggered the anger.. The size of the mammary gland does not really matter. Though a journal publish by social economist reveals that poor men prefer large boobs while rich men prefer small boobs.
Guys go to strip club to take a glimpse of the twin move and bounce. Bosom can serve as a stress reliever after a stressful day job.The benefit of bosom are so numerous but we instruct them to be sentenced behind that cage called bra depriving humanity of its benefit. If only men can live by the mantra Blessed are those who see but do not touch, for they shall be fulfilled, our ladies will reduce the frequency of wearing bra and reveal a bit more for our waiting eyes.
When Nollywood actor Pet Edochie fumed at the young men kneeling before a woman, he was backlashed. Pet was comparing happenings in his youthful age against the youth in this generation. The traditional Igbo man is highly placed in the society. During traditional wedding,the woman kneels down to propose to the man.The one who kneels begs the other for a favor.A typical Igbo man hardly kneels for his fellow man talkless of a woman . He only kneels for the gods who he recognizes as more powerful than he is.
Pet is not alone. Many men have noticed a decline in the masculinity of men. The Alpha male movement and redpill movement are attempt to correct this imbalance.When did thngs change? When did man begin to loose his ego to stoop so low to kneel before a less powerful being. Was the change sudden or gradual?
Women were seen as irrational and emotional.Men were the rational and strong willed. Men were taught to act like men They had to suppress their emotion close to their heart. Men should never cry in public. Expression of vulnerability is a sign of a weak man. Men are closed minded, rigid and structured. He should not seek fun .Men. Should always be in power, strive for control, compete.They lack empathy necessary for effective communication and connection.
In early days, male children joined their fathers in the river fishing or the forest haunting. Female spent their time with the mothers cooking. Each gender know his role. You hardly see a man in the kitchen or a girl hunting. Men learnt to act like men and women learnt to act like women.Then came the industrial era. Lands meant for farming and hunting was taking over by the government to build factory. The owners of the land were jobless.To offer compensation, the men were integrated as workers in this factory. Their male children were not allowed to follow dad to work.son stays at home with the mum while Dad went to work. Father leaves home as early as eight and comes home by six. He is exhausted, he sleeps to get strength for the next day. Fathers became absent in their son’s life. The role of dad in son life began to reduce while the role of mum in son life began to rise. Mummy passes over her feminine qualities to growing son.
Then came education. Female involvement in education at an early age especially science and law improve her reasoning abilities (masculinity) . Female take part in competitive games like the male counterpart. This improves their aggression.These women ended up as heads of organization.They took decision and gave instructions . These women began to have a thirst of power . Their masculine qualities were awoken.
Girls who enjoy highly competitive games with a desire to win also increases their aggression (masculinity). We tag such women names like Tomboy. They are ladies with highly developed masculine side and poorly developed feminine side.. Such masculine girls are attracted to the beta guys. If a man is more masculine in nature,he will be attracted to a very feminine woman who will compliment his energy. Balance men prefer neutral women.. Masculine girls at attracted to a feminine guy or sisi or beta guy . Such guys are few as society teaches guys to wear the Alpha mask. She can only find solace among her fellow feminine women. This is the origin of homosexuality- . Heterosexual are no different from homosexual as both seek balance .
Society has widened this energy balance over the years. Civilisation is bring closing the gap. Homosexual are closer to achieving balance compared to heterosexual. Yet, Homosexuals feel guilty for not complying with society expectation. . There is nothing wrong with homosexuality, for it IS what is. However, we need to bear in mind that society at this time is traumatized due to so many centurie conditioned to comply with that. DO we want to fit in? Until WHEN? We need to learn to Love who we are, while allowing others to be what they want to be. Acceptance is the way of Life.
We should understand that each individual hold masculine and feminine qualities within us. When both qualities are not well alligned, the person is out of balance. The traditional gender roles over the years has created highly masculine males on one hand and highly feminine female on the other side. we are drawn to certain individual that help us correct these imbalance. These highly masculine males become attracted to highly feminine female.
Son: what does the Bible teach about homosexuality and masturbation.
Dad: I do not know and I do not care to know
Son: But you are a Christian
Dad: yes, A Christian who follows the teaching of Jesus. Christ alone and not the Bible.
Son; But Bible contains Jesus teaching
Dad: true. It also contains the teaching of Paul,the teaching of Moses , the teaching of Elijah and many other teaching. As a Christian, I accept the teaching of Jesus Christ.
Son: Ok, Now what did Jesus teach about masturbation and homosexuality.
Dad: Jesus never mentioned any of them literally but he showed us with illaustration how to treat those whose views are different from ours.
Dad: He never condemned the adultrous woman, he visited tax collectors, he dined with sinners. He showered them with love.
Son : does that mean they won’t go to hell?
Dad: would you derive Joy in Watching your loved one in hell?
Son: No I won’t
Dad: sex is a way of expressing Love. There are different stages of love. The first is love directed to oneself. A child grows up loving himself.Using sexual analogy, the child derives Joy playing with his body, his genital. Jesus said Love thyself.
Son : hmm
Dad: The second is Love of similar specie.The child begins to extend the love to those of closest to him+ family, friend,tribe etc. A boy plays with a boy.A girl plays with a girl. Using sexual analogy, this is homosexual. Christ preached Love your neighbor.
Son : I see
Dad: The third stage of love is where one loves those different from oneself .Jesus said Love your enemy.your enemy is your opponent, opposite,one with a different view. Sexually, one is attracted to the gender different from him.A boy is attracted to a girl and vice-versa.
Dad: One who hates masturbators and homosexuals and love heterosexual is no different from one who loves others over himself and his peers.Such person is in a third stage of love.
Son : which is the best.
Dad: All of the above.The fourth type. The pansexual. The attraction to all . Self, male, and female. It is universal love. Agape love. Love without condition.
What is so special in monogamous relationship? If monogamy is natural, why do we struggle at it? No one teaches fish how to swim? Why do we have books on how to avoid cheating? To answer this question,we look at what researchers revealed
Evolutionary scientist David Barish compared monogamy among various animals.
Only 9 percent of mammals practice monogamy
29 percent of primates are monogamous
Before westernisation, 86 percent of indigenous society are no monogamous
Overfamiliarisation with a partner kills a woman libido
30 percent of women have extra-marital affair despite being happy with their marriage.
The numbers are against monogamy. One advantage of monogamy over polygamy is the assurance of a mate for every male. No group of wealthy powerful men can marry off all the women leaving the non powerful men single.. AThe spread of Christianity could be be a dominant factor. Monogamy offers an exclusive sence of ownership each woman on the man rather than having to share him with other women.
Monogamy restricts each party from love and sex with another. Are these two not one of the sweetest feelings? Limited my experience of them should be seen as punnishnent and not something to jubilate to.
In casual friendship, my friend could have other friends beside me and I am cool with that. But in monogamy, It is me and me alone. Any attempt to share love and sex with another is considered cheating. A woman should only love one guy but she can share her love among her children equally. Why can’t she love six men equally? Is this not hypocrisy? It means the heart is capable of loving many but man Jealously choose to limit it to one. In some cases, we argue over what constitutes exclusive acts? Holding hands, seeing one another naked,sharing a bed, kissing etc.
Before we say monogamy is natural, think again.
It was a shock to many Nigerians that a priest would mention the names of Big brother Naija house mates while preaching the sermon. Someone said “he should be preaching against it rather than talk about it. “
That means he used to watch it
Religion leaders are perceived as the Hallmark of Holiness and sex related crimes are regarded as the highest form of sin in Nigeria. For a person that is highly regarded as an icon of morals to be associated with immorality is a scandal. Let’s examine the underlying assumption
Big brother Nigeria is a reality show and not a porn show . BBnaija as it is fondly called is a live reality TV show like Ultimate search, where young men and women share a flat and are asked to work together. Psychologist have suggested that when persons come together to perform activities together, a bond is likely to develop. This bond can lead to love or lust and consequently sexual activities. This sexual activities make up a little percentage of the entire activities in the house. But because the average Nigerian is obsessed with sex, we often exaggerate a minute sexual act .To classify BBNAIJA as porn show because of a minute sexual act is like throwing away the baby with the bath water . There is no Hollywood script today without an erotic scene. The popular James bond movie showed traces of nudity .
We can learn life lessons from BB Naija . The current life triangle between Erica, Laycon and Kiddway can provide a vital lesson to young men and women experiencing relationship issues. At times we are torn between Two choices, going for a nice person whom loves us very much or one whom we love but does not really care about us. Watching how Erica decision ended can guide us in taking our own decision.
ARE THERE CERTAIN ISSUES A CLERGY SHOULD ABSTAIN FROM? Gone are the days when clergy are excepted from participating in worldly activities. Today, religious leaders are fully involved in every area of life. Our current vice President is a senior pastor in one of the Pentecostal churches actively involved in politics. Reverend Father Mbaka has been a constant predictor of political events. Prophet T.B Joshua is known for his prophecies on soccer. Pastors are not different from us. They had their interest as human. While we chose to specialise in health, engineering, buissness, banking,etc,a pastor chose to focus on religion. An engineer can be a Barcelona fan.A pastor can too. Putting on a white cassock does not mean they should kill off all their interest. Asking them to hide off their personal interest from the public creates a hypocrite out of them all. One who loves reality shows before ordination would still love it after ordination.
Pastors can watch BBNAIJA what makes a sin depends more on the motive than the act itself. In law, the motives must be prooved before one can be convicted of a crime. The question Why should a pastor watch the program? Great parents understand the importance of using activities that the children find interesting in other to create a bond and teach the child. Some fathers create time on Saturday evening to play soccer with their child to motivate their child to teach perfection with practice. Some mothers watch cartoon Network with their children and use the characters to teach morals. What is wrong in a religious father using the interest of the parishioners to explain certain biblical concept to the parishioners. I see a priest telling men to be silent whenever the woman gets upset and insultive. He used Laycon to illustrate the advice . This advice can save lots of relationship. Many of us run to our religious leaders for relationship advice .
The Bible prohibit us from casting judgement . Classify one as immoral does not make such person immoral but shows our need to look morally superior to that person..
I want yo render an apology for my inability to post for a very long time. This was due to measures beyond my control.
Thank God I am back for good
I recalled an incident which occurred few months back.I went to the supermarket to purchase a few items when I encountered a lady there. What distinguished her from others was her skimpy clothes.The skirt she wore was as small as a handkerchief covering virtually nothing. Her
For a moment ,I thought she was marketing for the supermarkets. I gazed my eyeballs at her standing right opposite her.
“pervert,would you look away? ”
Huh? You wear a sexy outfit that got me thinking of sex and you call me a perver.what do I call you ? I said still gazing at her
” I am not doing anything for you. It is your problem if you don’t keep your eyes to your self. ” she fired back rolling her eyes up and down repeatedly.
“If I were to play your favorite zee world program publicly with a large hundred inch screen and loud sound system, wouldn’t you watch? Would I say ” please don’t watch,I wasn’t playing it for you? I replied
She was dumbfounded. I continued
‘When a fisherman uses a worm,it is to attract the fish.why would a girl dress in such a way as to attract attention only to deny the attention?
She knew I was not keen on giving up.she walked away in embarrassment