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ethics feminism gender life nigeria sex Teaching women

The crime of being Natural

We came out of our mother’s womb naked. At three, it is accepted to walk around the same way but by the time we reach seven, we are shamed for attempting to walk in the Same way we arrived at the earth . Gradually, we teach the girls to become so focused on societal perception on her body that she she becomes uncomfortable in her own skin. She rejects her true self for a covering- a cloth , to fit into the society. This does not stop there, she learns to hide her real thoughts, beliefs,values and emotions and learn to be a hypocrite.

Since she is unable to be her true self, she learns to shame those who attempt to be authentic. Deep within, she envies them for having the courage to live their own lives. If we are shaming those who choose to walk naked, we are indirectly telling the creator he did a terrible job. We are on obnoxiously questioning his rationale for bringing us in this world naked in the first place. Which right thinking person would light light up a candle and hide it under the bed ? Which right thinking artist would mould a sculpture and cover it? Did our books not tell us that early man roamed about naked? At what point did nudity become a taboo?

Clothes were worn in those days sparingly for protection against adverse weather condition. Today it has become a law . Psychologist have pondered why the older we get, the more uncomfortable we feel in our own skin . Abraham Mascow, attributed the taboo on nudity more on societal norm than on ethical grounds . We have been conditioned into feeling uncomfortable in the presence of any nudity. The term ” gymnophobia” has been coined to describe the psychological aversion to nudity

Some religion tell us that the human body is shameful and to expose any portion of it except the face or the hands is an offence. Many religion cannot draw the demarcation between nudity and sexual. It is believed that mere exposure of a body incites sexual thought and behavior in the opposite gender. Is nudity the problem or the mind? This mindset has led to rape victims being blamed as partner in crime.

As a result, people who chose to embrace nudity were viewed by mental health professional as psychological dysfunctional. It was until 1930 that the former president of American psychology Association , Howard Warren (1933) observed a group of persons camping naked for weeks. At the end of the camping, he noticed that participants became more open and trusting of each other. This led to a proposed theory that when strangers that nude at an early stage are more likely to enjoy be open and trust each other . This led to the birth of a new therapeutic movement which uses non- sexual social nudity as a means to improve individual mental health. A more recent publication by Renowned professor of psychology , West K (2018) shows that people who practice nudity tends to have higher body image, high self esteem and better life satisfaction.

Recent studies are beginning to link constant putting on bras with ill health including breast cancer. Guys who put on tight boxers are likely encounter problems in their reproductive system. The very clothes we crave may be causing problem yet social pressure compels us to put on clothes.

Before you put on that piece of cloth, question your rationale behind it. Are you putting it on for you or for others. Before you condemn that person for dressing the way he/ she likes. Ask yourself why her dress-code bothers you .?

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emotion gender nigeria relationship

Marriage without intimacy or intimacy without marriage.

Marriage counselors keep reminded the indomie generation how their mothers marriage lasted for over fifty years. Divorce was unheard off. This days, divorce is common. Single motherhood is celebrated.What went wrong?

We are quick to measure success but numerical advantage. Our forefathers might have enjoyed t

the ancient marriage but our great grand mothers certainly did not. Marriage favored the fathers. Fathers sought power to rule others . He wants to dominate ,to compel and be obeyed. To achieve this, he competed with his fellow men in hunting, farming and fishing. Successful ones are respected and his opinion is highly valued among his peers. Soon ,they nominate him to represent them in other community affairs. The authority intrigues him more.

But the road to achieve this is tough. Other men desire the same. This makes it highly competitive. Many men do not make it to the top. This affect his confidence. He seeks a substitute- another environment where he would feel highly respected and valued. Marriage is the answer. Get the male rulers to instruct women to submit to their husband. Get male dominated religious leaders to issue the same directive. It worked. He has authority over children and family. They obey his every wish. He feels powerful ones again. She is married, has someone to provide her physical needs. Emotionally, she dislikes her husband. She fears he would hit her at any time. Her daughter picks up her fears. Intimacy is lacking.

Men overabused his authority. He would beat her up over little disagreement under the watchful eye of her daughter. Her daughter begins to dread marriage . Education and civilization has brought a change. Women now crave for equality with men . A woman wants the same respect a man has. This agitation is the beginning of shift from patriarchy to an egilateral society. Women want to be president. Daughter is twenty and has refused to get married. She does not want to be subjected to the unhappy union her mum was involved in. She would experiment.

She makes a couple of male friends. She notices the wonderful vibes at the beginning of the friendship. Each time she agrees to date him, relationship turns sour. She no longer value the things he does. Initially, she appreciated them highly because it was not his responsibility. Now, she no longer tells him thank you. After all, he is doing his role. He no longer feels she respect his actions. She does not obey his instructions. She is happy. He is not. He is not in control. The quest for power and control which pushed him to marriage is no more . He files for divorce. He prefers a submissive woman.

They get divorced. They are still friends though. He visits her child She prefers her freedom to make friends at her own terms.

Would you stay in loveless marriage like your grandma or remain single in a loving relationship.

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emotion feminism gender nigeria relationship sex women

Prerequisite for Sex

What’s Wrong With Sex?
Is there anything wrong with two people coming together and just having sex — for fun — without first having an emotionally intimate relationship (assuming safe sex is practiced of course)?

I was raised to believe the answer to this is yes, that there is something wrong with it.

As a sophomore in high school, I had to write a school paper on why premarital sex was wrong. I did the assignment and regurgitated what I needed to get an A.

Privately I had doubts about what I was taught. And of course I went ahead and had premarital sex anyway, which turned out to be a lot of fun with no guilt or regret.

Looking back, I think I would have preferred to get an F on that assignment and had more fun instead. 🙂

Your sexual orientation does not define you

Today I see absolutely nothing wrong with having sex just for fun, as long as it’s done safely and consensually. I think those who feel that sex is wrong, dirty, or immoral are terribly repressed. I’ve never met a genuinely happy person that felt this way about sex. Perhaps if such people just got laid more often, they wouldn’t be so grumpy.

Prerequisites for Sex
What prerequisites do we actually need to engage in sex? A willing partner is really all that’s required. If you have a willing partner, you can have sex.

Serious rocket science here, eh?

Just to be clear, let’s assume your body and your partner’s body are physically capable of having sex as well.

All other rules, constraints, and requirements arise from social conditioning and are therefore unnecessary.

You don’t need to be married or in a committed relationship.

You don’t need to be dating.

You don’t need to be in love.

You don’t need an opposite-sex partner.

You don’t need to be exclusive with your partner.

Your partner doesn’t need to be exclusive with you.

You don’t need to be programmed in multiple techniques.

You don’t even need to have met the other person first.

All you need is consent.

Technically speaking, even your partner’s consent is a socially conditioned prerequisite, but I think it’s one we should maintain. The alternative is illegal, unethical, and hurtful. We can certainly enjoy sex without resorting to rape. Acting out your kinky fantasies, on the other hand, can still be completely consensual.

How many extra rules do you have in your head about what’s required for you to have sex above and beyond the most basic?

Society make prostitution illegal and shames the women involved

How are those rules working for you? Are you delighted with the results they’re producing?

Do your rules make it easy for you to enjoy the sexual experiences you desire? Or are they simply getting in the way and blocking you?

Do you realize that you have the freedom to choose the rules you want to keep as well as those you’d rather dump?

I’m not suggesting that you need to lower your standards to the absolute minimum. I’m simply suggesting that you take a good, conscious look at your current rules and requirements for having sex, and consider whether they’re helping you or hurting you.

Personally I have pretty high standards for when I will and won’t have sex. These standards, however, are ones I’ve chosen because I’m happy with them. I don’t maintain standards just because everyone else feels they’re proper and necessary.

Sex in the car?

ToLet go of unnecessary sex rules that don’t serve you. You decide what’s really important to you, and drop the rest.

Steve Pavlina

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authentic emotion family feminism gender life nigeria relationship sex women

Girls Propose To This Kind Of Guy

The year 2020 withnessed a dramatic change in the world of engagement. Ladies are no longer waiting for guys to propose to them. The unwritten law that a guy must be the one to ask her hand in marriage is gradually getting obsolete. They have learnt the patient dog eats the thinnest bone or no bone at all. A lady who waits to be proposed to is chosen. The lady who proposes chooses.  Our  conservative ladies are coming out en masse to profess their desire to get married to the guy of  their choice .  This is one progressive change the nation has experienced since she was promised change by the APC led administration since 2015.

The new development has brought a different insight to the question

” What do women want?”

By watching ladies make their choice. We can attempt to answer the question. Out of about ten ladies I personally know of who proposed to their  partner, nine of them had partners who are Non-Alpha. While I admit that ten is too small a number to be used in any study, it is a starting point. I have  observed  a shift in the  taste of a lady. Ladies no longer crave for Alpha guys as most literature suggest.  When asked to choose a potential life partner, they tend to shy away from the powerful, dominant, muscular physique guy. Could there be any reason for this?

Alpha or Beta . Who does she prefer?

I will illustrate with this story.

Sarah grew up in a society that trains women to be Simps. She should never look a man in the eye and must bow down after every conversation with him as a sign of respect. A young girl is a property owned by her husband. She could be summoned to entertain his guest however he deems fit. He can transfer his ownership to the highest bidder. He decides what she wears. . No one considered her opinion. . She is to be obeyed instructions given by the husband or father whether she agrees with them or not. She does all the housework and assist in the farm. A woman should never ask her husband to help her in the kitchen. . She is not good enough to be the leader of the clan. In essence, the society groomed beta women. These women do not take any decision. These women relied on their man to take the decision. She is a good girl only when she suppresses her feelings and submits to the traditional gender roles. Marriage is the reward for obedience. She learns to love guys that give commands. Such shy and submissive women admire Men who have proven to be confident and good decision takers. Stupid girls love Alpha guys.

The introduction of education into the society changed everything. Schools treat boys and girls as equal. Schools select the prefect based on academic performance. There were no gender based prejudice. Male and female clear the grass. Guys and girls sweep the floor. She speaks during assembly. She looks at guys in the eyes and talk. She completes her tertiary institution and gets employed. She graduates from a Simp to a beta woman. Experience has taught her that hardwork leads to promotion ., she gets promoted to a managerial position. She delegates some of the task to junior workers. Her duties involves cooperating with other head of departments to achieve a certain goal. She is sent to represent the organization in multimillion naira deals. She learns to be assertive, aggressive, dominant. She graduates to an alpha female.

Men are becoming more egilateral and less brutal

Professional achievement did not correlate with relationship success. Many men avoided her like a plague. Only the confident once are bold enough to approach her. The relationship hit it up at first but soon she noticed hitches. She loves to be the center of attention. He desires the same. He speaks more and listens less. She wants someone to listen to her. She is used to giving instruction and not one to obey blindly like the simp girls do. He wants to be the boss , to have the power, to make the decision . Both are involved in power struggle. Her previous four relationship ended for similar reasons. She got to undergo total transformation to make her relationship work.

Guys and leadership style

It is her birthday and her boyfriend did not call her. She is pissed off and goes to his office unannounced to yell at him. She meets him in a passionate kiss with his secretary. She tries not to cry.

She is in pain and looks for a shoulder to lean on. She remembers her beta friend. She hurries to her plays and breaks down in tears immediately he opened the door. With him, she is not ashamed to break down and shed tears when necessary He comforts her and listens patiently as she pours her heart. She didn’t know when she dozed off. She woke up and found herself in his bedroom. It is midnight, late to drive back home This is not the first time she would pass the night in his apartment. On each occasion, he would lie on the couch. He never touched her. She felt safe around him. Her exes would have attempted to sleep with her despite her mood. Maybe he did not find her sexually appealing she thought. She went to the couch and found him working on his laptop. There was her pics as his wallpaper. She inquired why and he opened up his feelings towards her. He had wanted to ask her out for a long time, but he was afraid she might not only reject him, but she might end the entire friendship since he was not in the same class as he was. The latter was a risk too big to take. He brought out a letter he had written to her expressing his intention to the next level. He lacked the courage to do so. This was before she met her last ex. She was speechless. That day marked the beginning of sexual friendship.

Alpha and Beta male

Sm What he lacked in aggression, he made up with attentiveness. He spends a high amount of time touching her slowly in an attempt to build the urge in her until she could not resist. Her previous Alpha exes who assumed they know what she needed in bed. Her beta friend was humble enough to ask her what her sexual cravings were. He understood that each girl is unique and has various need. He cuddles her after releasing, and they discussed how it went before they both clean up. . She does not feel used.

He knows all her sexual fantasies and deepest secret. He had been there for during her last five heart breaks. He had never forgotten her birthday. He knows her more than he knows herself. She has poured all her heart to him. He had never hit her . She could be Moody and provocative attimes, yet he never disrespected her. He sees her as an equal. He is a democratic husband. Alpha husband’s give out orders like a soldier. He would make an ideal father ;one the kids could trust and not one to be feared.

They have been involved in this sexual friendship for over two years now. She has learned from experience that Alpha Male is not suitable for her. With a beta male, she does not have to pretend to be who she is not in other to fit into the traditional wife role. He let her be herself .She considers marrying her best friend. But that could come at a cost. His laid back approach makes it difficult for him to get ahead in his professional life. She knew she would be the one handling the major part of thebill if she were to maintain her status. It would be wise to bend low to his status. A little price she is willing to pay. She had to close the deal now or risk loosing him out forever to another client.

She got the wedding ring and asked for his hands in marriage. They are happily married.

We can infer that Alpha women date their fellow Alphas but end up settling down with a non-Alpha. Alpha guys propose to beta women. Alpha women propose to beta guys. She has learnt to discard the traditional notion that women marry higher up. Such union is ticking time bomb waiting to explode . The competition for power and dominance is second to none . The world is changing in gender roles and Alpha male are yet to realise that. Men must not be the bread winner. Men must not confront situation outrightly. Certain problems require careful thoughtful dialogue.

Alpha male are also loosing it in other aspect of life. In Soccer, Jose Mourinho, an alpha manager is highly sought by so many clubs. His tenure in each club lasts a maximum of four years. He quarells with his players, fellow coaches, referee, football association, Physiologist, Ball Boy etc. The cost of maintenance is greater than the goal . Arsene wengar, A specialist in failure stayed over ten years in the club. Today, the beta coach works for FIFA. For immediate success, sign an alpha coach. For sustainability and long term project,sign s beta coach. .The highly successful persons are those who have mastered the art of building network. That involves cooperation and ability to compromise – an act beta male are understand quite well. Alpha leaders tend to be autocratic and conservative imposing his will on the majority. Beta politicians drift towards democrats. He is willing to let other person’s view override his own . Alpha male may need to be more emotional sensitive. Beta male coul do better to improve their confidence and self confidence. Sleepy Joe defeated Alpha Trump in the last United State election. The top three richest men in the world do not qualities of a tough man. Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook is definitely not a macho Man. Bill gate is an introvert. The society is shifting towards computer and beta guys who enjoy working from home recorded huge profit during the covid 19 lock down.The law of diminishing returns is taking hold of Alpha male.

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family feminism gender nigeria women

Before you blame the man

I am not in support of physical assault of any form. I believe there are numerous ways we can discipline an individual. Nevertheless,No one is perfect. Let us be careful not to ignore the role women play to incite violence. True,Some men can be aggressive. Some persons have anger management issue and some women know when to use it to her Advantage. What about ladies who take on their partner emotional weakness? This story will illustrate my point.

Since I gave birth, my husband no longer give me the attention he used to. He spends more time at work. When he finally gets home, he quicky goes to bed to prepare for the next day. We engage in superficial discussion-the bills, our son, the neighbors, the house etc. He rarely comments on my outfit. There are times I would move around naked yet he would not mutter a world. He would be physical present with me yet thinking of his work. Sex was mechanical. He did not care If I cummed.He would sleep off afterwards. I cannot bear the neglect. I have tried to give him subtle hint as a woman. He is unable to interpret my signs. I have come out openly yet he plays it down. I got no choice but to proboki him The other day, I nagged bitterly. He walked out of the house. Every attempt I make shuts him down.I just came back from work and he did not bother to ask how work went. He fixed his eyes on the television screen watching a soccer match. I tried initiating a conversation with him but his eyes are fixed on the screen while giving me monosyllabic reply. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“GBAM”

I hit the television screen with a kitchen pistle until it blacked out. For the first time, he gazed his eyes toward my direction. He rushed me like an angry lion pouncing on its prey . I was unable to count the series of slaps and punches that landed on my face. I passed out and found myself in the hospital. I was bedridden for three days.

I came back home and met a changed man. He apologized for laying his hands on me. I still felt pain from the beating. He served me breakfast in bed. He would call me thrice while at work to know how I was faring. Knowing he was thinking of me while at work made me blush. He reminded me of the days we courted. I felt desired once again. I continued giving him the silent treatment for two weeks. I wanted to enjoy his affection while it lasted. I finally accepted his persistent apology.Our made up sex was fantastic. My satisfaction was his concern. He cuddled me afterwards. I have learnt that damaging what he cherishes most and receiving the beating of my life was the only way to get back the love we once had.It is a matter of time before he begins to ignore me again. Next time, I would break his car windscreen.

Some women can attest to this. Women spend time trying to understand their partner emotion. They know the best time to get money from him and the best time to ask for a favor. They also know what pisses him off and try to avoid it. She knows certain acts that makes him angry yet she does it and plays victim. When he reacts violently, the society label him a wife beater . Ever wonder why such women hardly leave their partner.The excuse I love him that is why I can’t leave him is bullshit. She love the attention ,the affection, the chase for forgiveness, the small shakara and the make up sex that comes with it. Other girls have their own reason for pushing him into hitting her.

This repeats itself until the man discovers that she subtly creates occasion to be beaten . He says to himself I think she loves it when I beat her up. She continues to provoke him and he continues to beat her up.The cycle continues. The worst mistake a concerned one would do is to suggest she leaves her husband. She will accuse you of trying to break her home.

Erin Pizzey, a vocal feminist spoke strongly against domestic violence. She founded a home for victims of women abuse. On one occasion she interviewed the victim and realized that she was equally abusive. She interviewed the rest and discovered that over seventy percent of the victim she rescued were equally as violent as the men. She made her findings public. She was suspended from the group she founded and was threatened by the victim she rescued.

Whenever you hear cases of domestic abuse, do not be quick to blame the man. Investigate the character of the girl first.

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authentic emotion feminism gender life nigeria relationship women

Distorted perception of Love

The uneducated man who sponsors a girl throughout school in to marry her should examine his conscience. A selfless lover would notice a potential in her and desire to develop such talent via educating her. The moment he begins to guilt-trip her into marriage, he becomes a selfish lover. His generosity no longer counts as an act of kindness. He is only using her to satisfy his desire to own(marry) an educated person. He desires to improve his perceived status among his uneducated peers for marrying one of a higher status. He is no different from the rich man who gives while making a public show of it. The lady on the other hand desires a man to help her achieve her goal to be educated. She had to pretend to be love him to achieve her goal. There was no love. Each person only desired to use the other. The lady only outsmarted him in the selfish web. Some readers said he would have married her first before spending a dime on her. . It changes nothing. It does not guarantee a happy union. Who says she will not catch feelings for another person ? Who says she will not seek divorce later? It only transforms the problem. We need to examine our perception of love.

Love is freedom

Marriage is born of selfish love. We so often fall into the trap that the other person belongs to us. This simply can never be true. We love based on how useful the other person is to us. Husbands use their wives. Wives use their husband. The Hausa phrase I naso ki” is translated as I love you or I want you. If we love someone, we must desire to have such a person. If I see a flower, I must pluck the flower or I purchase the land. If I love a girl, I must own the girl by marriage. Bride price is a sign of ownership. This notion of love is distorted.

He has to prevent her from catching feelings for another man. Rather than giving love space and room to breathe, he clings to it, desperate to make the feeling stay. He has to continue providing all her needs, satisfying her in bed and protect her from harm, so she doesn’t think of someone else. Jesus said sexual thought is adultery. He doesn’t want this to happen. He lives in constant fear of loosing her. This, of course, is counterproductive.
Love requires trust,. To love someone is to allow them to be their Authentic self. He suffocates her with his love. She desires to be free from him.

Mutual Love is ideal

The concept of monogamous marriage is a prison we create. It is ok to be in a monogamous relationship. It is alright to prioritize one relationship over a period of time but to remain in one forever is a disaster. Ancient man know it is impossible to stick to one partner forever. He misses his young moment of wooing various girls. The challenge of winning her love thrills him. To avoid this, Early man permitted polygamy. But he did not allow the girl to enjoy the same freedom. Rather, he taught her to cover all her flesh whenever she went out so other men do not admire his goods. She should not display an iota of Skin to the preying eyes of men. If she disobeys, she is called a slut. Her beauty is no longer hers. Her husband owns her. He explores his sexuality while denying her hers. Her body desires another even if it is for a moment. She needs someone else to spice up her routine sex life. She desires a new style, a new person. She engages in a one-night stand. Cheating arises from the body desire to escape from the societal cage. She is accused of being unfaithful to her husband. She alone knows how much she still loves her husband. Her heart is capable of loving more than one.

Are you t
in love?

God is Love, and we are created in the image of love. The human soul is capable of loving so many but incapable of owning them all. True love is selfless. False love is selfish.

John 3: 16 tells us that God loved the world that he gave…….

God proved his love for humanity by sacrificing for the benefit of humanity. True love is in giving a part of oneself for the benefit of that which he loves. False love seeks to own the object of love. False love uses the object of love to satisfy his own need.

Marriage of today is based on false love. Women use men to satisfy her desire for a child, financial security etc. Men use women to satisfy his sexual urge and render domestic service. We ban prostitution. Marriage is legalized prostitution. Sex is traded for bride-price. The difference is the duration and sincerity. Prostitute has no feeling for you and you know it. In marriage, you both think you are in love when you love with the benefit the relationship brings. Take away those benefits and fight increases.

As long as a price is attached to the bride, she will be regarded as a property. African feminist should consider a campaign against bride-price

When one truly loves a flower, he does not pluck the flower from its stem. He does not transplant it to his own backyard. The soil condition may be different.The plant may die. Rather, he goes out of his way to water the plants and apply fertilizer. He derives joy by watching its beauty. He desires to improve its beauty. He is not threatened if others admires the flower. He has no interest of purchasing the flower.

When we genuinely love a person, we do not think of how to take advantage of the person for our own benefit. We do not intend to possess the person. Rather we think of how we can improve the other person’s life without depleting ourselves. . We give our partner freedom to be Authentic.

Marriage can be a prison. Divorce is an escape. Choose your cellmate wisely

One can love another without desire to be in a relationship with such a person. One can give to another without any intention of getting married to such a person. Relationship is a desire to grow together with the person. When the other person desire to grow in a different direction, one can only admire from a distance or support the person in whatever form one chooses.

To truly love means to allow your partner the freedom to be.
To release the fear that they will stop choosing you and move on to another, to relinquish control and simply focus on being the absolute BEST version of you.

Choose love over possession.

Love is freedom. Love is not possessive.
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authentic childhood education emotion ethics gender nigeria sex women

Fears of a virgin

She did not dare to dance

Or jump the gutter

She did not jump the fence

She would not stand in front of a man

Nor widen her legs

She slowly passed out urine

For fear of tearing her hymen

Sexual miseducation

She swear it was not her fault

Her hands shakes vigorously

Mumbling words beneath my understanding

She felt the bite of a mosquito

In between her pure legs

She has been disvirgined

She fears getting pregnant

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education feminism gender nigeria relationship religion sex Teaching wierd women

How Purity Culture teaches wrong sex education

Purity culture: any teaching that places the honour of a girl/woman on her vagina and reinforces the idea that premarital sex make women worthless.

Purity /noun/: the state or quality of being pure.

Pure /adjective/: clean and not containing any harmful substances; complete and total.

Purity culture is blaming Eve for giving the apple to Adam and enticing him to sin. Every Christian girl knows Eve is the architect of our misfortune. Every bad thing women experience today is a result of Eve’s sin. Purity culture is comparing girls who are sexually active to expired food products. Because you know, girls automatically become expired milk after they have sex.

It is placing the burden of the sexual urges of men on women. If a man lusts after you, then you probably looked or dressed a certain way to entice him. Purity culture is using “defile” to describe rape and saying Dinah was defiled, instead of saying Shechem raped her. Purity culture is telling girls that they are responsible for the sexual purity of men, because unlike men who are inherently sexual, we are just vessels who aren’t supposed to be sexual. Purity culture is telling girls that only “bad girls” enjoy sex.

Many churches practice and teach purity culture targeted mainly towards girls. Some go to the extreme, by holding daddy-daughter dances where girls pledge their virginity to their fathers, vowing to wait until they get married to have sex. Some wear rings on the fourth finger of their left hands, which they eventually take off and replace with wedding rings after they get married and have sex for the first time.

The culture that places women on a pedestal of innocence and purity enables the punishment of women that do not maintain this image. There are multiple way sin which purity culture and here are 5 important ones you should know.

Misplaced Sexual Responsibility

Purity culture has been branded as all of the ways women can stay protected and holy in today’s society. The truth of the matter lies in the fact that this only serves to subjugate women even more. By placing women on these pedestals, it places the onus on women to cover up and ensure that they are not temptations for men, forgetting that rapists are not dissuaded by the physical appearance. Purity culture is also set up in such a way that encourages women to avoid taking charge of their sex life. It paints women that deviate from this as whores who need to be shamed and punished, hence why when a women is raped and she is vocal about her sex life, it is brushed off because she asked for it by taking charge of her sex life. This is how purity culture normalizes and trivializes sexual assault .  

Most Religions do give women right to make decisions concerning her body

It does not define Consent

Women who have been raised religiously have been taught in some way by socializing influences, that they do not exist for themselves. They are to keep themselves holy and covered up, and to wait patiently in their fathers’ houses until a man approaches said fathers for marriage. It is in all the biblical stories and anecdotes describing model women of faith and religious principles.

This is problematic because not only would the woman lack individuality, there are no boundaries of consent. There would be nothing that says that she can say no to her husband. In Nigeria currently the law does not recognize marital rape as rape. So even when it feels like rape, when she knows that it is rape, when there is physical evidence of rape, she says nothing because she has been conditioned to think that the man has only taken what was his in the first place.  

Good girl/ Bad Girl Binary

Purity culture divides women into two groups ; the good girls and the bad girls and pray to God you don’t fall into the latter group. When a girl who is seen as a bad girl is abused sexually or physically, people see it as a punishment for her behaviour.

Guilt and shame are products of purity culture, when girls are taught that they become worthless after they have sex outside marriage they live with guilt and shame and it is even worse when they experience sexual violence because the victim automatically assumes it is just a punishment for the way she behaved or even dressed. What I don’t understand is how people expect women who finally have sex after they get married to just shake off this feeling of shame and guilt they’ve associated with sex because of what they were taught.

Her Body Her Choice

Nobody throws chastity balls for boys asking then to pledge their virginity to their mothers and the church, nobody makes women the gatekeepers of the sexuality of men so why then do people do it to girls? Double standard much?

Don’t get me wrong, abstinence is a good thing and it wonderful but not when it is forced on people. Instead of teaching and encouraging purity culture, instead of teaching girls to associate fear, shame and guilt with sex why not teach girls good and quality sex education. Teach them their body belongs to them alone and not to their fathers or the church. Talk to them about the clarity that comes with abstinence, tell them abstinence is a choice they can make without the pressure of the church. Teach them that they are not responsible for the sexual purity of men. Teach girls to love and embrace their bodies instead of seeing it as a weapon the devil uses to lure men to hell.

How Purity Culture Enables Rape Culture

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emotion ethics facts feminism gender nigeria relationship women

Does it make her cheap

The long standing question has always been, “Does it make a woman cheaper if she lets a man sleep with her on the first date?” “Does it make her less of a woman?” The answers definitely differ depending on different women and men. I should say, if a woman believes that sleeping with a man on the first date makes her cheaper then that’s it, that’s her perception but then if she thinks it doesn’t make make her cheaper, then why not. Surprisingly, it doesn’t even seem to matter what women themselves think of this, because even though a woman take weeks or months saying no to this man, when she finally gives in,she will still be termed as cheap, it doesn’t make sense, does it? Society always finds a way to put women in a corner, but what about the men? I haven’t even heard of a man that’s called cheap because he spent a night with a stranger!!! In fact, they even get praised for this, but then for women, slut shaming is all they get out of the experience.




Sex is a choice people make due to attraction,adulthood and probably other personal reasons. This whole stereotype leaves me baffled and with so many questions but among them is, “What does it make men?” Is it only women having sex on the first date,do they do it single handedly? Men are equally involved. Why should women be termed cheap, aren’t men just like them? Why are women being judged for something men also do? Wait, are men special, some kind of special that women are not? Ha, I doubt, I think it’s just a society that’s obsessed with manipulating women!




Sex shouldn’t be termed as bad according to gender, to start with, sex is not even a bad thing! Well maybe according to belief and religion, all religions I know speak against sex that’s not within the bounds of marriage, but yet again,who are we to question people,we should leave all this to God. None of us, neither you nor I, have the right to judge anyone for the choices they’re making, henceforth at no point should women be the only ones answerable for sex on the first date unless it wasn’t consensual.

BY ANONYMOUS

Model peace forum

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family feminism gender relationship

Laws of being a side chick ( just for laugh)

Being honest with myself, I have never really been on the high ground when it comes to morality, or rather, what the society defines as morality. I support abortion, I wouldn’t throw a rock on anyone who does it. I show skin….a lot when I dress up and I love my body so much.

Once again, sis is here to sound ‘immoral’.

Hello moral police of the society, I hope you well, here and cheers to more future fights.

So…sidechick-ing. Quite an intriguing idea.

Let’s all note this fact, a side chick is not a home-wrecker. Or a mistress. She is nothing more than a side dish. More like desert, or those meals that you get served at a restaurant before the main course, let’s be honest, aren’t they the sweetest?

Before we go any further, I would just like to say that this article is penned down by a proud hypothetically…side chick. One that doesn’t live by the moral guidelines of the society or what the society regards as conventional as a means to soothe their ego.

Lots of us in our twenties have the rush to find the perfect man, but really, is there a perfect man? Are you a perfect man?

Being a side chick means you giving out something that the number one woman isn’t, let’s all admit that to some level, this is flattery. But being a side chic is hell of a task, juggling the innocently clueless girlfriend, scandals and drama, headache and a never ending love triangle. But who knows, you may eventually be the main, don’t count on this though, just have fun.

Self-made rules to being a side chick.

Always keep the secret.

LOL.
Keep your mouth shut even from your best friend. This whole affair is clandestine, nobody wants to hear your story. You are a secret, your relationship is a secret and letting it out there would just ruin the fun. Learn to stay in your lane always.

 You may find yourself in situations that may twist your mind to make you think you need to admit that you are a side chick, do not! Let the man be the one to do it, if he wants to. With millennial, you may have the urge to profess this affair on social media, don’t listen to that devil please. Nobody wants to hear about your coastal vacation with the man who’s involved with nani (who) Rule numero uno!

Stay away from PDA’s

FOR POSTING HIS HAIR. HAHA
You just can’t go public with him no matter how much you want to. Without secrecy your relationship is dead. Lol. Honestly, you do not want to go out displaying affection to the guy we know is dating who. Unless you want to give the public a show. It may get messy real quick.

Set the goals for the relationship and stick to them.

A man can date his soul mate a secret for his whole life and keep it a secret, and so he will have no problem keeping a secret of you. Set the goal for the relationship and keep it a secret. Have funn.

Avoid drama like you avoid covid-19

When someone hears the word side chick, what rings in their mind is drama. If you are a drama queen, take it to the movies please. Be the safe haven, where he comes to find peace and safety. Thou shall never leave behind, a scent, a nail, an earring, a bra or a piece of hair for the main chick to uncover and cause drama.

Do not, I repeat, do not ask him for money.

Do not litter this ‘relationship’ with tenets of quid pro quo principle. This may sound ironic but never ask this man for money otherwise you will end up feeling like a cheap prostitute who gives out sex for money. Make the relationship all about fantasies. Offer that which ye cannot get from any other. If you desperate, find ways of outsourcing that cash but never ever ask him for money.

Avoid falling at all costs

You’d not want to be in something toxic, and remember that when you were getting into this, you agreed that there would be no strings attached. Now this may seem like the simplest rule and when you look at that man you feel like you have your reasons for falling for him. Or that you are too ambitious and looking forward to be a main chick.Strong feelings may develop, just make sure that feeling is not love.  Do not fall for him!!  

Do not get pregnant.

This man is not yours. Now at 20something you don’t plan on getting a baby for your boyfriend, don’t risk it with a guy who just wants to satisfy his fantasies. Have fun, stay safe…from corona and accidental pregnancies.

Get into this fully knowing the risks of being a side chick and do not concern yourself with this guy’s main. Otherwise, have fun .

Mancrine jangu

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family feminism gender life nigeria relationship women

Slutshaming among men and women

Slut shaming is the act of humiliating one for issues concerning ones sexuality. Women are mostly at the receiving end.One of the quickest way to hurt a girl is to tell her she is sexually loose. Many practices are considered inappropriate when done by a woman but accepted when committed by men.

Women are more likely to be punnished for putting on revealing clothes,purchasing birth control pills, expressing sex urge and prostitution. A study reveals that bye standers are less. Likely to come to the aid of a woman when she is dressed in revealing outfit. A woman who plays good and hides her sexual appetite is considered a potential awife.

Men are attracted by sight . A woman who reveals a lot gets the attention of guys who desire to have her and take her to bed. In the ancient times, women are seen as men possession. She is either owned by her parents when single or her husband when married. He tells her how to dress so that other guys would not invade her territory.Every guy protect his property from invaders.A sexually looses wife could get pregnant from another guy and bring the baby home to the man . He would not like to spend time, effort and resources raising another man child. Sexually reserved girls are valuable and sought after by suitors. A naive girl does not know any better. Any sex with his first partner would be satisfactory. Girls are attached to whoever disflowers her. A slut is assumed to have a wide farmland. It would be difficult for a guy with a narrow pencil to cultivate the land. Morever, a slut has numerous experience and could differentiate good from bad men in bed. A virgin may see a guy as a king but a slut knows he is just a learner. This account for the preference for virgin’s over sluts for men considering marriage.Fathers slut shame their daughter so top suitors can ask her hand in marriage. He hardly slut shame other ladies he is not related to. Men love slut as long as he is not related to her.He loves the short term sex they offer .

Women on the other hand understand that all social interaction is guided by the law of demand and supply. By applying the price elasticity of supply ,ladies unite to create an artificial scarcity of their punny while demand remain constant . This increases price (value). Ladies who dress totally covered and act prude make sex hard to come by . In return for sex, ladies demand commitment in form of marriage . Marriage serves as security for her during the times of pregnancy and child rearing. For this to work, ladies have to be in unity. They all have to play hard to get to increase their perceived value .When most ladies are sexually free, conservative women loose their power.

Whenever a lady likes a guy, she can only give green light. She will never tell him her feelings. This is because she does not want to loose her feminine power.She understand that the one less interested in a relationship controls it. She pretends she does not like sex so she maintains her power. Guys with high sex drive are easily manipulated by ladies.

For this reason, women slut shame each other more to act like a watch dog against themselves. They redicule their promiscuous peers to keep them in line. As communities fight wars, wives lost their husbands in battle . These widows would spend years without having sex . They can no longer hide their desire for it.They ended up as second wives or prostitute. Prostitution became necessary to cater for their sexual need and proceeds to take care of their children. These widow turned prostitutes offered services to single men who wanted experience but not ready for marriage. Women are loosing their power. They bash widows harder expelling the woman from all female gathering. In Rome,Women put on a special robe which sluts are prevented from wearing to mark a higher virtuous group from the lower promiscuous group. Young widows are patronised more than aged widows. They love the money they make and the freedom. They prefer not to get married again . Their daughter imitate them . Sluts are threat to marriage .

Slut shaming is a social construct. Feminist should stop blaming patriarchy for the act It is obvious that both gender are guilty for different reasons. We should look at the effect on the individual. A girl committed suicide for being called a slut. Her self-esteem was badly damaged. Women can begin by standing up to themselves when slut shamed.

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family feminism gender life nigeria relationship women world

Diverging mission behind divorce

Just as a child graduates from high school into college, his priorities shift. The courses he takes become more narrow. He drops some classmates behind and retain few classmates who share the same college preference and same course. We do not go remain in high school out of loyalty to our friends.

As we age, our values, hobbies job etc changes. This is a sign of growth.one whose priority remain constant is stagnant like a child who fails to learn . Our choice of life partner also change.

A partner is one who embark on a similar journey with us. As our priority changes, that of our partner may remain the same or change in a different direction. One partner is taking a leap in one direction and the other partner is watching while giving her full support . There are other relationship where the other partner discourage you from keeping up to your new ideal.you no longer feel connected. You become incompatible . Just because you are in a union does not mean you must follow our partner as he/ she changes her priorities

We find ourself finding time together with some else on a similar path and less time with our partner . We become more open to new partner there all boundaries are broken. We begin to fall in ln love with the new person. Afterward comes a sence of guilt. We feel we are cheating on our partner. When we are with him,we are happy. Afterwards,we are ashamed of ourself. Our shame comes from having made a vow to love one person forever. Our guilt comes from the society conditioning that we should only love our partner and no be me else. we are left in a dilemma: to honor our feeling and continue with this our new friend or continue living in a lovelessness marriage and deny ourself the opportunity to grow .

We feel guilty for cheating on our partner. This cheating arises because we do not totally tell our partner what is happening with the other person A committed relationship involves honest and humble individual who understand that their partner could fall out of love with activities and people one used to be with . When such happens, one absorbs the partner of blame knowing fully well that change is part of nature . Feelings are not always predictable. We may feel hungry at odd time.we may be happy one minute and sad the next minute for no apparent reason. We should feel acknowledge our feeling and express them to our partner . To get attracted to someone else beside our partner is not a taboo. When the partner understand that we are matured enough to emphasize with them as they express their pleasant feelings and experience with a new colleague without feeling jealous or judgemental, She/he would be more willing to open up her heart to you. This communication can make us understand our partner more,lead to greater intimacy and makes the other person feel safe and secure.

Whenever one wants to be with the other person.we let them embark on the journey.We communicate our feeling openly and arrive at a mutual agreement of divorce than to live in denial with all it’s lies and betrayal. A monogamous relationship does not necessarily mean we own our partner.It is not a life sentence. It is a process for growth. Letting go can become a gain rather than a loss when it leads us to our higher self.we can still retain the friendship while taking time to grow . Sticking to a union that does not lead to a higher growth can be detrimental to our wellbeing

The best relationship is the relationship where each promise to tell the truth even when it hurts. Cheating arises when one begins to hide the truth because our partner may not be able to handle it. Not all relationship are meant to last forever. Some relationship are meant to propel us to a greater height. Some relationship brings out hidden potential in us we never new existed. Another relationship improves on that potential. No monogamous relationship is a failure. Each has one lesson to teach us. It takes wisdom to know when a relationship has served its purpose and move into a new one.

We should not just bail out of every relationship. We should be sure that the reason for unfulfimment in the union does not arises out of faults. Rather, we discover we no longer derive Joy in activitiess we used to . One partner has encountered a change in Religion and we cannot tolerate that .We feel lonely in the presence of our partner and alive in the presence of another without any reason . We should examine ourself to know whether we are in the union out of fear or out of love. Are we scared of what people we say when I leave? Am I scared of loosing certain previledges? We cannot truely grow in an environment of fear

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africa gender law nigeria politics Uncategorized world

Before you cast a stone

For the first time in a while, Nigerians from all works of life lent their voice to the ill-treatment carried out by the Special Anti Robbery squad department (SARS) of the National Police Force(NPF). This shows that the people can put aside her differences and unite against a common foe. A true test of democracy is evident when those in power fear the anger of the people and not when the people are scared of those in power.

While it is easy to point accusing fingers, we should be free of committing the same crime we accuse them of. The members of the special anti robbery squad were not imported from a foreign country . They are one of us. They represent a subset of the total population . The action they commit is a reflection of what the average Nigerian is capable of doing in position of power . What differentiate the average Nigerian from SARS is that the later is permitted by law to use force and arms to enforce laws . Many a times, The wealthy ones use her financial strength to influence SARS to bully his adversity. Why are we quick to castigate them when they are tools in our hands .

In our homes,We are worse than SARS when we devalue women as male property and excercise control over their lives. We want to dress how we want while we tell the ladies what to wear. We are worse than SARS when we use her as punching bag. We are worse than SARS when we act like dictators in our home to be feared by the entire household. We are worse than SARS when we maltreat our househelp and prevent her from attending same school with our children . We are worse than SARS when we sexually harras her and threaten her into silence.

We are worse than SARS when we team up to born down the shrine of the elderly man worshipping the gods of his ancestors. We are Worse than SARS when we confine one to psychiatric ward or jail for choosing not to belong to any Religion. We criticize SARS for their brutality against those who wear tatoo while our religious police punnish us for the same act .

We are worse than SARS when we take advantage of our students poor academic performance to lure her to bed.We are worse than SARS when we destroy farmlands and farmers except states donate their land to us to practice our trade . We are worse than SARS when we use our political and financial strength to remove effective but non- submissive governors from seeking reelection . We are worse than SARS when we take official decision favoring one tribe or group at the expense of others.

The security agencies are not the only one guilty of intimidation. Any act of public humiliation, physical attack, disrespectful language,discriminatory comment, or name calling against our subordinate or minority promotes abuse of power. Subtle acts of manipulating the naive for personal gain also fuels oppression. The victim fear reporting the act could be worse than the original form of abuse. This enable perpetrator get away with the crime thereby empowering then to continue the maltreatment. Cowardice on the part of the victim feed tyranny.

Any society that prevents one from critical thinking and promotes submission to a higher power creates an avenue for abuse. This is why many cases of abuse go unreported among security agencies and religion institution .Obey what the boss says whether you agree with him or not and get a chance of getting promoted.security agents are also victims of abuse by their superior.The anger is suppressed until they find a subordinate they can vent the anger on without any side effect . The junior staff are cruel to their own subordinate until the most junior ranked officer who have no one to be cruel to pass their aggression to civilian . This is why top ranked security agents are less harsh than low ranking ones .

The #endsars protest is a call to all victim of all kinds of abuse to unite together and take a stand. When the abusers realises that the victims would rather die than persist in such ill-treatment, they would be forced to reconsider their ways. No condition is permanent Centuries of abuse of patriarchy has led to the number of self identified feminist and single motherhood-. Parents who bring up their children in love would be cared for when they get old and weak. Garbage in Garbage out. What we sow is what we reap.

We need to focus towards an egilateral society.- a society that is based on equality. Moral reasoning should be introduced as a subject in secondary schools. Children ought to be taught character development with emphasis on equal respect for all devoid of gender, religion, power, wealth or Fame.

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africa gender life nigeria relationship religion women

A Christian dad and son conversation on homosexuality

Son: what does the Bible teach about homosexuality and masturbation.

Dad: I do not know and I do not care to know

Son: But you are a Christian

Dad: yes, A Christian who follows the teaching of Jesus. Christ alone and not the Bible.

Son; But Bible contains Jesus teaching

Dad: true. It also contains the teaching of Paul,the teaching of Moses , the teaching of Elijah and many other teaching. As a Christian, I accept the teaching of Jesus Christ.

Son: Ok, Now what did Jesus teach about masturbation and homosexuality.

Dad: Jesus never mentioned any of them literally but he showed us with illaustration how to treat those whose views are different from ours.

Child: How?

Dad: He never condemned the adultrous woman, he visited tax collectors, he dined with sinners. He showered them with love.

Son : does that mean they won’t go to hell?

Dad: would you derive Joy in Watching your loved one in hell?

Son: No I won’t

Dad: good.

Dad: sex is a way of expressing Love. There are different stages of love. The first is love directed to oneself. A child grows up loving himself.Using sexual analogy, the child derives Joy playing with his body, his genital. Jesus said Love thyself.

Son : hmm

Dad: The second is Love of similar specie.The child begins to extend the love to those of closest to him+ family, friend,tribe etc. A boy plays with a boy.A girl plays with a girl. Using sexual analogy, this is homosexual. Christ preached Love your neighbor.

Son : I see

Dad: The third stage of love is where one loves those different from oneself .Jesus said Love your enemy.your enemy is your opponent, opposite,one with a different view. Sexually, one is attracted to the gender different from him.A boy is attracted to a girl and vice-versa.

Son :

Dad: One who hates masturbators and homosexuals and love heterosexual is no different from one who loves others over himself and his peers.Such person is in a third stage of love.

Son : which is the best.

Dad: All of the above.The fourth type. The pansexual. The attraction to all . Self, male, and female. It is universal love. Agape love. Love without condition.

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childhood education family gender relationship

, what impacts did your father had in your life?

It really is remarkable how deeply fathers impact the lives of their children either negatively or positively. The following stories describe four different kinds of fathers. You may find yourself identifying with one of them

1) One man who struggles with low self esteem recalls that his father paid very little attention to him, and that the attention he got was often hurtful. He sill struggles with feelings of failure and the thought that no matter how hard he tries it just isn’t good enough.
His father on the other hand felt that he was motivating his son with positive criticism “for his own good”, and that his lack of affirmation was to keep his son from becoming proud and arrogant. “All I wanted was to help him be the best that he could be. I know my standards were high, but the world is a tough place and I just wanted him to be prepared”. Although his intentions may have been good, the damage he caused would take years to overcome.

2) A lady tells the story about her father who was overprotective. She had very little freedom to go anywhere. If she asked permission to go somewhere there was always a reason why she couldn’t.

3) Another lady tells the story of how her Dad was a workaholic and that there was a lot of tension and conflict in the home. He may have been there physically but he was emotionally unavailable to her. She felt ignored by him. She longed for his attention and approval. She grew up feeling empty, emotionally abandoned, and struggled with low self esteem.
If you ask her how her relationship with her father impacted her she would tell you that she felt she had to grow up too fast, and that she missed out on her childhood. She leaned at an early age to fend for herself and not to ask for help and that she couldn’t trust people especially men, because they would let her down. As a teen she looked for love in all the wrong places and would dress in a way that got attention from guys, but in the end it wasn’t the kind of attention she needed. The whole trajectory of her life was in the wrong direction and she ended up in a lifestyle of promiscuity and addiction.

4) On a positive note there is a man who describes his dad as being someone he could always talk to. He remembers having all kinds of discussions with him on many different topics. As a kid he felt that he could actually learn from his dad’s mistakes. His dad was not perfect by any means, but at least he was authentic. Even as a kid his dad would ask him for his opinions and his ideas and would listen curiously to what he would have to say. He remembers his dad as having boundaries but also being flexible. If he could come up with a good enough argument for why he should be able to do something he could usually convince his dad, as long as it wasn’t unreasonable. He remembered developing a strategy for picking his battles and not sweating the small stuff.
If you ask how him how his dad impacted his life he would tell you that he learned to think for himself. Despite his shortcomings and failures he felt affirmed and validated as a young man, and that this somehow gave him the “freedom to fail”. He attributes his success in life to this “freedom to fail”.
This man is an confident decision maker and has risen to be a leader in his place of work. At home he loves being a dad. His wife also loves that he can articulate his thoughts and feelings well. Generally speaking he seems to be a happy guy.

Isn’t it interesting how deeply our relationship with our fathers impact us?
A good balance between love and discipline is the key to great parenting. Barbara Coloroso describes four parenting styles based on love and discipline. The “jellyfish” parent scores high on love but low on discipline. The “brick wall” parent is like the father in the first example- high on discipline and low on love. The “permissive” parent, like the father in the third example, is low in love and low in discipline. The “backbone” parent represents the ideal. Like the father in the fourth example this parent scores high on love and high on discipline.