I hate meetings. Let me rephrase. I LOATHE meetings. I understand they are supposed to be productive and help people brainstorm but I hate them because of several types of people who just make most meetings unbearable. Granted, there are some meetings I enjoy. They indeed help move things forward but a huge number – like 90% – are meetings I would rather have a kid repeatedly hit me in the nut sack with a bat than experience the agony they bring.
And the cause of this loathing is some types of people who make them unbearable
1) Mr. My way or this is war
This guy is the best guy you can ever have in the meeting – until you disagree with him. That is when his true colors come out. In his head, he is supposed to speak and everyone else is supposed to punctuate his words and ideas with exclamations of WOW and several lorries of confetti and glitter. The moment you go against what his general point of view or idea is, he will come at after you with guns, arrows and his grandmother’s crooked walking stick
3) Coitus Interuptus
In the county of annoying little pricks, this guy is the governor. He will interrupt every statement made in the meeting at the slightest opportunity. You’d be forgiven for thinking the crippled hamster running on the creeky wheel in his brain threatens to stop if this person shuts up for anything longer than five hurried seconds. If he had his way, he’d also frequently interrupt himself – the boardroom equivalent of masturbation
This person insists on serving people in the middle of the meeting. The ridiculous thing about food in meetings is, no one wants it. They are either ridiculous snacks that would excite a 5-year old or there are weightier issues to deal with
6) Angry Preacher
This is mostly bosses. Meetings are called and from the moment the meeting starts to when it ends, all that come out of their mouth is complaints, threats together with three litres of saliva landing on helpless victims across the entire boardroom. The whole delivery is like that of an angry preacher threatening his frightened congregation of gloom and doom in the eternal fire of hell as their backsides get branded with tattooes of their uncountable sins. Only this time the hell is suspension or summary dismissal.
7) Cock-Blocker Extraordinaire
We all hate this type. The scenario that unmasks this type plays itself out slowly. The meeting has dragged on like a village wedding being conducted by an ageing pastor who repeats all his sentences. Thrice. The long torturous proceedings finally appear to be coming to an end when you hear those sweet words, “… and unless anyone has anything to add, that’s the end of the meeting.” That is when the devil nudges this type by sticking one of his horns up their rear end and the discomfort forces them open their mouths and say something. That has to be the only reason I can think of why someone would want to say something after a meeting that has taken unusually long to end finally looks like it is approaching the much awaited home-stretch. They are most possibly the guys who run after the teacher after the lesson was over to remind him that he had not given homework
Let’s all agree. These kinds of people need to be left tied up on a dry tree in the desert and ants directed to bite their hind quarters and neighbouring softer counties. The hands should be tied high above their heads so that they wouldn’t be in a position to scratch the nagging bites and itches.
That should teach them how annoying it feels to be a pain in the rear.