Teaching about abstinence and the sanctity of sex is certainly worthwhile and biblical. But the way churches are going about it isn’t working.
Here are four of the biggest lies about sex many of us have picked up from church
1. Any and all physical contact is like a gateway drug to sex.
Once, in secondary school, I attended a big Christian youth conference. One night, one of the pastors addressed the girls: “Girls, we have noticed some very inappropriate touching going on.”
The inappropriate touching she meant turned out to be two high school couples in the youth group holding hands. This woman was deadly serious. “I know it may not seem like a big deal to you,” she said. “But hand-holding leads to other things!”
There are many valid reasons to set boundaries on your physical relationship, but the fear of accidentally having sex shouldn’t be one of them.
Many of us heard similar things from parents, teachers, church leaders and books. In some churches, it was not unusual for people to pledge not only to save sex until marriage, but even to save their first kiss for their wedding day. “Don’t start the engine if you aren’t ready to drive the car” and other similar metaphors warned that any physical contact was a slippery slope straight into the jaws of fornication.
In reality, there are so many conscious decisions you have to make between kissing and having sex. There isn’t a lot of truth to the idea that it might happen “accidentally.” Despite what Hollywood says, clothes do not take themselves off and bodies do not magically and effortlessly fit together.
If you are committed to waiting until you’re married to have sex, there are many valid reasons to set boundaries on your physical relationship, but the fear of accidentally having sex shouldn’t be one of them
2. If you wait until you are married, God will reward you with mind-blowing sex and a magical wedding night.
Saving sex for marriage is not a guarantee that you will have great sex or that sex will be easy. All it guarantees is that the person you fumble through it with will be someone who has already committed to love you forever. And fortunately, when it comes to sex with someone you’re in a lifelong commitment with, practice really can make perfect
3. Boys are visual and sexual, but girls don’t care about sex.
Most women who grew up in the Church cannot even count the times we heard something to this effect: “Boys are very visual and sexual, so even though you aren’t thinking about sex, you need to be careful because you are responsible for not making them stumble.”
Let’s disregard for now how degrading this is toward men and focus on the underlying assumption that boys are sexual and girls aren’t. For years I was told that “girls don’t care about sex
Many girls (yes, even Christian girls) think about sex. Many girls (yes, even Christian girls) like sex. This doesn’t make you a freak. It doesn’t make you unfeminine or unnatural. God created us, both men and women, as sexual beings. Enjoying sex makes you a human being created by God, in the image of God, with the capacity and desire to love—physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and sexually
4. When you get married, you will immediately be able to fully express yourself sexually without guilt or shame.
Many Christians have spent years—from the day they hit puberty until their wedding day—focusing their energy on keeping their sex drives in check. Then, in the space of a few hours, they are expected to stop feeling like their sexuality is something they must carefully control and instead be able to express it freely. And not only that—but express it freely with another person.
Many of us have programmed guilt into ourselves—this is how we keep ourselves in check throughout our dating relationships. And that “red light” feeling we train ourselves to obey doesn’t always go away just because we’ve spoken some vows and signed some papers
by lily dunn
from http://www.relevant magazine